Got Regrets? Good - They Are Healing
“Whosoever has tears and compunction of heart let him now weep with me. … Who is there so stony of heart who will not from this time forward, weep at the thought of that hour?”
- St. Ephraim The Syrian
The "hour" of which the great Doctor of the Church, St. Ephrem the Syrian, was speaking is the day of the final judgment..., when life as we know it shall cease. And, among other relationships that will come to an end at that hour is that of our children.
But there is a potential problem with that, embodied this way in his sermon: “children [shall] be separated from their parents...”
Separated? Why?
Because of choices made by either parent or child - or both - in this life.
His sermon, ominously entitled “On the Various Places of Torment and on the Judgment,” is sobering. But it is REALLY sobering if our children have fallen from their Faith..., and OUR OWN sins of omission or commission, i.e., "what we have done, or failed to do," may have played a part in their fall.
On the surface, this seems the opposite of our usual thinking that we obtain Christs' salvation through the suffering, failings, and wounds of this life.
But the same mystery of redemptive suffering is there in both cases. However, we must recognize that any suffering we face through our actions/inactions ripples outward beyond the salvation of our own soul. Especially if we played a part in the suffering, or falling away, of others.
Two False Directions
There is a cycle of regret that parents often experience when they realize how their failings affected their children’s loss of faith. Actually, that regret is a blessing if we DO realize it, for reasons we shall see momentarily.
But, this beneficial regret is too often clouded with the anti-Christian notion that because it is our fault, no grace or mercy from God is fortcoming.
Basically, we are led to think that since we messed up, we have to live with it as our burden - and God will hold it against us.
I mean, that is REALLY anti-Christian!
But regret does not have the power to pull us away from God and Christ, unless we allow it.
In fact, if we channel it properly, it will draw us into the mystery of redemptive suffering. From there we can re-connect with the Eucharistic sacrifice at the altar, and march straight to our redemption at the foot of the Cross. Alleluia!
In fact, Christ Himself said that, outside of blaspheming against the Holy Spirit of God, no sin is too great to be forgiven. So, if we have the proper and contrite faith in our heart, regret can lead us stright TO Christ, rather than steer us away. Again - that is up to us.
The fact is, we should always be looking for ways to invoke that redemption, because our daily lives lead us to needing it - constantly.
Indeed, we're between a rock and a hard place, most of the time. Our modern culture seems intent on pointing out any wrongdoing of ours, so we regret our sins and actions..., but then it does an about face and urges us to throw any regret out the window.
Here is how that usually goes:
Step 1. Our culture of indulgence teaches us to say this:
“You Only Live Once, so have no regrets,” when we know in our heart of hearts that we both should, and do, have some regrets.
But this, "YOLO attitude," dulls us to regret, giving us an excuse to leap-frog over it to the second step.
Step 2. Once we tell ourselves it's okay to sidestep regret, the next phase is to close the door on our past actions - especially the harmful, hurtful ones.
We accomplish that little bit of mental trickery with the following phrase:
“Well, what’s done is done,” ... making this handy sound-bite a convenient way to let ourselves off the hook.
Step 3. We walk happily into the sunset after these mental gymnastics, convinced we are in the clear.
Yes, the tongue of satan is forked and points us in two directions - both false:
“Okay, I get it," we say,"...it’s my (our) fault. I admit that. But regret won't change anything and, hey, you can’t go around looking back, right?”
Well, yes you can - and you should.
We Must Look Back
Good St. Ephrem reminds us in the second half of his sermon, that we can and must look back. In so doing we acknowledge our failings and we gain clarity about them. And clarity leads to healing.
So, having acknowledged our failings, we then implore what is the greatest gift of God next to salvation - His mercy.
Saint Ephraim put it this way....
“We have sinned; let us repent. We have sinned a thousand times. Let us do penance a thousand times.”
And St. Jose Maria Escrivá - one of my favorite guys - echoed that concept, as well, when he said, "A saint is a sinner who keeps trying."
Catch the sentiment and phrasing here - its not IF we have sinned, but that we HAVE sinned.
This admission and the clarity it brings then requires that we reach out to God to literally absolve us of our failing - that is to say, to lift our sins from us.
If you have already confessed to God your sins in this regard, and been absolved of them, excellent!
On the other hand, if you have not, then now is the time to seek the nearest opportunity for sacramental absolution through confession.
This cannot be avoided, so just go for it - because this is where the mercy of Gods forgiveness happens.
Thereafter you move to the the subsequent healing portion of all this - penance and atonement.
Penance and Atonement
If going to confession is hard for you, then these two, penance and atonement, may be worse. They require us to break the chains of self-pity and DO SOMETHING about the situation.
At this point, lets say you have admitted your failing(s), you whole-heartedly regret them, and you have submitted yourself to the holy will of God for mercy and absolution. Great!
Now, the last part is doing penance, which is where we re-unite ourselves to Christ’s sacrifice on the Cross through some ACTION. This activity, usually both spiritual and corporal, takes us through to His mercy. In this way, our own deliberate and sacrificial action moves us not only to heal ourselves, but to heal those we love.
Our wounds may be self-inflicted, and we should not deliberately inflict them on ourselves. That's a no-no.
But once that happens, we should find IN them opportunities to repent, and to beg the Lord for mercy on us and on those we love.
In this way, regret is properly ordered and channeled and become a stepping stone to penance.
Atonement
This part is defined this way:
But, the temporal (worldly) effects of your faults and sins remain, and they almost always affect others, not just you.
So, you have to do something about THAT.
That is the Justice God is famous for. If you are part of a "modern" church, you may have come to think He won't expect this Justice. They often forget to teach that part.
But your race to get in the clear isn't quite finished yet. You still have to make good with those who have been wronged by your faults.
Apologize, and tell them why.
Mean it.
- St. Ephraim The Syrian
The "hour" of which the great Doctor of the Church, St. Ephrem the Syrian, was speaking is the day of the final judgment..., when life as we know it shall cease. And, among other relationships that will come to an end at that hour is that of our children.
But there is a potential problem with that, embodied this way in his sermon: “children [shall] be separated from their parents...”
Separated? Why?
Because of choices made by either parent or child - or both - in this life.
His sermon, ominously entitled “On the Various Places of Torment and on the Judgment,” is sobering. But it is REALLY sobering if our children have fallen from their Faith..., and OUR OWN sins of omission or commission, i.e., "what we have done, or failed to do," may have played a part in their fall.
On the surface, this seems the opposite of our usual thinking that we obtain Christs' salvation through the suffering, failings, and wounds of this life.
But the same mystery of redemptive suffering is there in both cases. However, we must recognize that any suffering we face through our actions/inactions ripples outward beyond the salvation of our own soul. Especially if we played a part in the suffering, or falling away, of others.
Two False Directions
There is a cycle of regret that parents often experience when they realize how their failings affected their children’s loss of faith. Actually, that regret is a blessing if we DO realize it, for reasons we shall see momentarily.
But, this beneficial regret is too often clouded with the anti-Christian notion that because it is our fault, no grace or mercy from God is fortcoming.
Basically, we are led to think that since we messed up, we have to live with it as our burden - and God will hold it against us.
I mean, that is REALLY anti-Christian!
But regret does not have the power to pull us away from God and Christ, unless we allow it.
In fact, if we channel it properly, it will draw us into the mystery of redemptive suffering. From there we can re-connect with the Eucharistic sacrifice at the altar, and march straight to our redemption at the foot of the Cross. Alleluia!
In fact, Christ Himself said that, outside of blaspheming against the Holy Spirit of God, no sin is too great to be forgiven. So, if we have the proper and contrite faith in our heart, regret can lead us stright TO Christ, rather than steer us away. Again - that is up to us.
The fact is, we should always be looking for ways to invoke that redemption, because our daily lives lead us to needing it - constantly.
Indeed, we're between a rock and a hard place, most of the time. Our modern culture seems intent on pointing out any wrongdoing of ours, so we regret our sins and actions..., but then it does an about face and urges us to throw any regret out the window.
Here is how that usually goes:
Step 1. Our culture of indulgence teaches us to say this:
“You Only Live Once, so have no regrets,” when we know in our heart of hearts that we both should, and do, have some regrets.
But this, "YOLO attitude," dulls us to regret, giving us an excuse to leap-frog over it to the second step.
Step 2. Once we tell ourselves it's okay to sidestep regret, the next phase is to close the door on our past actions - especially the harmful, hurtful ones.
We accomplish that little bit of mental trickery with the following phrase:
“Well, what’s done is done,” ... making this handy sound-bite a convenient way to let ourselves off the hook.
Step 3. We walk happily into the sunset after these mental gymnastics, convinced we are in the clear.
Yes, the tongue of satan is forked and points us in two directions - both false:
“Okay, I get it," we say,"...it’s my (our) fault. I admit that. But regret won't change anything and, hey, you can’t go around looking back, right?”
Well, yes you can - and you should.
We Must Look Back
Good St. Ephrem reminds us in the second half of his sermon, that we can and must look back. In so doing we acknowledge our failings and we gain clarity about them. And clarity leads to healing.
So, having acknowledged our failings, we then implore what is the greatest gift of God next to salvation - His mercy.
Saint Ephraim put it this way....
“We have sinned; let us repent. We have sinned a thousand times. Let us do penance a thousand times.”
And St. Jose Maria Escrivá - one of my favorite guys - echoed that concept, as well, when he said, "A saint is a sinner who keeps trying."
Catch the sentiment and phrasing here - its not IF we have sinned, but that we HAVE sinned.
This admission and the clarity it brings then requires that we reach out to God to literally absolve us of our failing - that is to say, to lift our sins from us.
If you have already confessed to God your sins in this regard, and been absolved of them, excellent!
On the other hand, if you have not, then now is the time to seek the nearest opportunity for sacramental absolution through confession.
This cannot be avoided, so just go for it - because this is where the mercy of Gods forgiveness happens.
Thereafter you move to the the subsequent healing portion of all this - penance and atonement.
Penance and Atonement
If going to confession is hard for you, then these two, penance and atonement, may be worse. They require us to break the chains of self-pity and DO SOMETHING about the situation.
At this point, lets say you have admitted your failing(s), you whole-heartedly regret them, and you have submitted yourself to the holy will of God for mercy and absolution. Great!
Now, the last part is doing penance, which is where we re-unite ourselves to Christ’s sacrifice on the Cross through some ACTION. This activity, usually both spiritual and corporal, takes us through to His mercy. In this way, our own deliberate and sacrificial action moves us not only to heal ourselves, but to heal those we love.
Our wounds may be self-inflicted, and we should not deliberately inflict them on ourselves. That's a no-no.
But once that happens, we should find IN them opportunities to repent, and to beg the Lord for mercy on us and on those we love.
In this way, regret is properly ordered and channeled and become a stepping stone to penance.
Atonement
This part is defined this way:
"1. Making amends or reparation for an injury or wrong; expiation.- 2. An individual's reconciliation with God by means of repentance and confession of one's transgressions."
But, the temporal (worldly) effects of your faults and sins remain, and they almost always affect others, not just you.
So, you have to do something about THAT.
That is the Justice God is famous for. If you are part of a "modern" church, you may have come to think He won't expect this Justice. They often forget to teach that part.
But your race to get in the clear isn't quite finished yet. You still have to make good with those who have been wronged by your faults.
Apologize, and tell them why.
Mean it.
Let them know you mean it.
If you don't know what to say, pray for guidance from God - then be quiet and let Him tell you.
If it is not possible to do this because of separation, death etc., do the next best thing and perform an act of mercy for someone else with this as your reason. God knows your heart; He will understand.
If you don't know what to say, pray for guidance from God - then be quiet and let Him tell you.
If it is not possible to do this because of separation, death etc., do the next best thing and perform an act of mercy for someone else with this as your reason. God knows your heart; He will understand.
The Finish Line
What does all this mean?
Well, first, don't freak out because a regrettable thing was done in the past.
You cannot undo it - but DO NOT stop there.
Acknowledge that what man (us, we, you) tears apart, only God can restore.
Then, offer those regrets in both the spirit and literal action of confession, absolution, penance and atonement.
Let this be your heartfelt sacrifice, and, through the mercy of God, participate in the mystery of Christ’s redemptive suffering — for ourselves and, more importantly, for those we love and long to see united with God and with us in that final hour.
Edited from an original article, here:
What does all this mean?
Well, first, don't freak out because a regrettable thing was done in the past.
You cannot undo it - but DO NOT stop there.
Acknowledge that what man (us, we, you) tears apart, only God can restore.
Then, offer those regrets in both the spirit and literal action of confession, absolution, penance and atonement.
Let this be your heartfelt sacrifice, and, through the mercy of God, participate in the mystery of Christ’s redemptive suffering — for ourselves and, more importantly, for those we love and long to see united with God and with us in that final hour.
Edited from an original article, here:
https://www.oursundayvisitor.com/an-important-reason-why-catholics-shouldnt-say-no-regrets
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